Dirty Offering
2018

Day 1

Why am I doing this ceremony? Is this a re-enactment?

-I’m not sure you tell me.
Well, I’m taking this thing…this very ritualistic and religious thing, and repurposing it for a spectacle.

- I don’t understand.
To create ritual and repetition in art means I hope. The actions themselves place no meaning to it. Every day I wake up at 7:20 am. I’ll do as they do, gather the canangs, pray for good fortune, and good art. I’ve adopted you, you see.

- Your costume is real. But your batik is from Solo. Have you ever heard of a Javanese girl performing canang?
They won’t know the difference.

- But you will.
Does it sting?

- What does?
To use you in this way.

- Only if it is empty.
But it is.

- Doesn’t seem so. The gods may be absent but the belief still exists. Did you pray?
I tried. But I faked a little more the second time.

- How?
I raised my hand to my head for the spectacle of it as I did the mantra.

- But it’s meant to be a spectacle you said.
Hm... I did. Perhaps, next time I want to do it with actual flowers.

- Why is that? Doesn’t the paperwork? The plastic?
It seems reasonable in an artificial state of religion. It is after all a statement not a philosophy. The act that is…

- And so?
So what?

- Then why change it?
Because the materials I had were an afterthought. I had no time. It would feel better to have some of the right components.

- Perhaps the paper is a fire hazard.
That too! But the smell was right.

- Do tell.
Of lime and banana and fragrant.

- Like elsewhere

Day 2

-You made me very beautiful today.
But I lost the discipline as I was doing it.

- Lots of leaves and flowers!
Yeah, but I was 40 minutes late.

- But why does the exact millisecond matter? After all, you gave me flowers and my ceper of actual leaves. The smell was invigorating a pleasant surprise!
But I was frantic and I was late. It was as if one thing delayed, created a rift in the rest of the morning.

- What happened?
A strange night, turned into a tiresome morning. Turned into a late arrival. I had to get the flowers from the market and as I got back to school, I had forgotten the incense and the bananas!

- So you were late, it didn’t affect the ritual. And so what if you were, no one waits for this but you.
But it was me who desired to be on time! I speculate discipline as the root of devotion. And it has only been the second day, what can you say about that?

- Pedantic. This isn’t a show, no red curtains, just the transparent need for the mantra.
I said no mantra.

-How come?
I felt no need. I was transported into a place familiar. I’ve known this place for many years. And when the smell of the opium hit, I was home.

- Devout.
But to what is what I don’t understand, devout to the school?

- To faith in some way, the school in some way. But too many times is faith fractioned, to be the name of a group of people belonging to a certain concept.
But isn’t this exactly that?

- Exactly that.
And so why is this okay?

- Because we pose no threat, you and I. And I am a far faaarrrr away idea, hyperbolically seen on a pedestal. The primitive hero marks an endeavour that people can adopt into their own conception and personal philosophy.
But... isn’t that what I’m doing to you?

- Probably, and consciously so, and for the same reason as others.
How is that?

- The Balinese have Sang Hyang Widhi, while you have your practice. Both are very different, but within the same notion, and to console mostly. But consolidation is easier to sell than it is to find for free.
Here?

-Everywhere. And so, I’ll see you tomorrow. If you wish, try to be on time.

Day 3

Today I had no money. No coins to use.

- Then you didn’t complete the offering.
But I did. I offered my receipt to show the heavens that I did devote some money to this.

- I don’t think it counts.
Why not! It costs a lot of money to make you! More than it would ever be in Bali.

- Yes but this is not the point. If you don’t complete the kepeng then the offering is incomplete.
I disagree. I can’t drive my expenses further than I can afford. And soon I’ll be running out of cigarettes too! And on the first day, I used a needle threader instead of coins. The gods didn’t seem to know the difference!

- This is not the point. You need to use some sort of currency for kepeng, it’s not the physical object but the value of it. It’s an offering and that receipt... you don’t value that piece of paper.
Perhaps not the paper itself but it represents more than what it is. It’s to show you that I have some form of devotion to this process that I have spent time and money!

- It’s mere evidence.
Exactly, isn’t the effort valuable itself?

- You’re right there is value in your effort, but it’s a shortcut. You’re simplifying the essence of this process. You're not wrong, but it takes away from this already simple labour. It ends up being devotion, but not to the spirits but to your practice.
That’s true but sometimes there’s a need for that application of modernity to tradition. I don’t find it worthy of my jeopardy to something that is as indefinite as spiritual worship.

- Indefinite to you maybe.
I'm in it I swear! But I don’t agree in terms of obligations, especially when it comes to the actual objects needed for the ceremony. Hundreds of Balinese families are in debt to banks because of this. I’m doing it on a small scale for only 5 days and already I have spent at least 20 euros. This is a kitten to a tiger! The Balinese have ceremonies almost every week! Purnama ceremonies every month! Wedding ceremonies! Coming of age ceremonies! Ceremonies because you’re born! Ceremonies because you’re dead! Cremation ceremonies for after you’ve been dead for ages! Hundreds of people needing to be costumed, fed, hydrated and given symbolic props! This is thousands of dollars that a large majority can barely afford!

-This is devotion! This is higher than currency!
This is bullshit!

- You’re devotion is performance and your stance is as an outsider.
It’s not and I’m not. I have taken part in it for many years with neighbours and family. But it saddens me to see the imbalance of the economic and metaphysical worlds. It costs money to be religious.

- It’s a choice.
It’s a choice in an imbalanced circumstance.

- It seems we’re not going to come to an agreement.
No, I agree with you. I’m just saying the circumstances are heavily unfavourable.

-But nonetheless, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Sure.

Day 4

Yes, a friend. Who was curious to know what I was doing.

- Ah always the curious few.
But it felt a bit unusual. She took a picture of me. But I asked her too.

- It’s a beautiful picture.
She stood in front of me first as I was about to start. The phone was right within my peripheral. It didn’t feel nice though.

- Her taking a picture of you?
Mostly sharing the process with someone else. Is that selfish or irrational?

- Yes, but understandable. But why didn’t you want to share it?
Because it was like having an audience.

-But since you’ve been doing this, you’ve been watched and glared at. What’s the difference?
Well, there was an intention in her presence, to view and to document. With that in mind, I couldn’t be as intimate with the process as I was yesterday. It made me think that this is all fake.

- Fake is a dangerous word to use. If this is fake to you then why do it at all? I thought the purpose was to create a spectacle. But even in that there is a belief in what you are doing.
I’d like to tell you, that for the past few days I’ve found something waking up. It’s uncanny, like a fed stray or a found rover. I think it might be from this routine.

- So why the feeling of it being fake?
I felt the dread of the performance. The word itself, “PERFORMANCE!”, being flashed with a big yellow spotlight and jazz hands.

-But it is.
Not anymore. But it contradicts the placement of the actions in which beliefs are derived from silence. And then, here we are, being in a place where we learn to start from the mind in the ways we view the world.

- Not always.
But dominant in its presence, neurosis in its becoming’s.

-Whereas where you are from...
Whereas where I’m from indeed. I remember thoughts softly contemplated and released. And in between breaths the mind stayed still. I used to paint a lot in this time.

- So what is different now?
I don’t know. How sturdy can one’s fundamentality actually be?

- Depends of course.
And is that even a good thing?

- I can’t answer that for you. But it’s good Friday tomorrow, take a rest.

Day 5

I’m exhausted.

- From your last day of offering?
No just from the whole day. I was 40m late to work and we were really busy. But I admit to, when I finished the canang I felt pretty liberated.

- Surrendering yourself to the higher power can do that to you.
That’s not exactly what liberated me.

- Then what?
I drank a beer. I had no water only that, so I used it in the final offering, without further thought really.

- The receipt… the beer… okay.
I’m sorry if it disappoints you, but even though there is one name for a religion doesn’t mean it will be conceived and executed the same way. Even if the scripture is as specific as the algorithms in coding. This isn’t a new thing. It’s been happening for ages.

- I’m not going to argue, all I can say is I know one way and apparently, you know another.
I’m sorry I don’t mean to put you in this position, I’m just a bit tired. Can’t hold my tongue for manner’s sake. But I am grateful for what you let me explore. And when I had that beer, it was like all those efforts through the past week was held tight in a fist and let go.

- So what have you learned after all this?
I can surrender. I didn’t do it to a higher power as you said earlier. But I surrendered to the institution in which I am part.

- Your art school
Part of it, and in the practice of it. After all, I don’t mean to belittle beliefs but religion is part of an institution in itself. But I’ve chosen to be part of this one. And I accept it.

-It’s something, better than nothing. Will I see you again?
I really think so.